Letters - Behind the Song
March 16, 2020
Letters is a song pulled deep from the bottomless pit of my emotions. It's my mind talking about wanting to write a letter to someone I love but know will never see me the same way I do them. It's hard to put into the words of not having a connection with someone you wish you could know. This song is a constant inner battle that seems to take place deep within my head. Some days it's not there yet others it's blinding. I’m going to take you on a trip through this song and show you my inner thoughts and why I created this piece.
I’ve got something to show you
Come follow me through this empty hall
It may be a long shot but I’ve got to try to call
I’ve hidden from you, kept my distance, tried not to fall.
This first stanza is basically my introduction. I want to show you this and want you to follow me through the hall of my mind. I wanted to use visualizations to make this song like a story that you are able to follow. So welcome to my inner thoughts.
I’ve mourned enough the depression I feel is not hard to recall
It pounds on my brain It’s hard to refrain
As I feel the assault of your words in my frame
My body collapses come join me in the morgue
I feel like I should be dead because of the pain I feel. Depression is weird because you don’t have to have a specific reason to be sad, you just are. There is no good explanation for your emotions. The words I talk about hearing here aren’t from another person but my inner thoughts. It’s my own thoughts that are driving me into these depressing thoughts.
It’s where I belong it’s where I’m born
It’s called me to reform
It wants me to change and it hates who I am
I can't refrain any longer I may lose to this grave
My inner demons seem to hate me. It’s a constant battle telling them they don’t control me. They want me to be someone I am not. They hate who I am and try to use my circumstances in my life to try to convince me I am nothing and are not wanted on this earth.
All these letters I wrote to try to fit in
I wrote to you each day
My conscience fights to breath
That’s when I took it upon myself to leave
My mind told me that getting a certain someone to talk with me would solve all of my problems. If I was good enough she would talk to me. I knew I needed to get out of this mindset because the one who gives me worth is Jesus and He showed me I had value when He died on the cross for my sins.
It’s hard to believe but I was stuck in grief
It’d be a relief to be free from the disbelief
Are you really there or are those just words to deal with the pain
It's hard to refrain from looking past the grave
I just wanted to be free from my thoughts. But was there really anyway out besides the grave? I was never suicidal thank God! He kept me close to Him even when I didn’t want Him touching my life.
It'd be easier to die harder to live
What's the point anyway I seem lost on this path
Life took me down and beat me up
I stood up for round two just to take a mitt to the nose
That's how it goes
This life didn’t seem to want to let me find success. It would cause my thoughts to beat me up. Maybe living is harder than dying. No, not maybe, living definitely is harder because you have to make hard choices and do things that may make you uncomfortable but that’s okay because these challengers are what make us who we are.
I hate life I hate you
But you seem to care for me
How can that be true?
Maybe if I started hating the person who made me feel this way I could just move on. But hate is never the answer, it does not work. You must learn to move on but that does not mean you have to hate. You can take that circumstance as a learning lesson.
Even if it was, I still wouldn't be cool
Wouldn’t fit in with the ones
I wrote a letter to you as I sat in a pool of blood
From the mit on my nose; that’s how it goes, yeah
I just wanted to fit in. Be “cool”. But what does that even mean, allowing myself to cave to life’s pressures to become someone I am not. That’s not what I want for myself.
Now it’s time to get up and stop this doze
I dozed off but I woke up and it’s time to go to the ring
Fight for me and fight for you,Yeah, i’ll fight for you too
I learned that I need to stand up to my inner thoughts and fight. I need to fight to be myself and not try to fit into some ideal image that isn’t me! I need to get out of this perfect person dream and accept the person God made me to be.
This is the path I chose who knows where it goes
That shows how much I oppose the unknown
I’ve been thrown out but I’m in the zone now, somehow
I’m on this path of life and I am going to follow it. I’m not going to follow someone else’s dream but my own. I don’t know what the future holds but that’s okay because I’m ready to face the unknown.
I’ll take you down with a stone and hear you moan
I’ll be disowned, I’m all alone but this fight was worth it I’d do it all again
It makes me who I am now
I need to defeat my best friend, my inner thoughts, and not let them control the way I think anymore. This isn’t easy and it may make you feel even lonelier but that's okay because you can create a new life once you’ve ridden yourself from these evil voices within you.
If I took it all back I’d be someone else
Would that even be so bad
If I had the chance to go back I probably would
I'd chance myself to retry with you
That's why I'm writing these letters to you
As I heard this beat I couldn't help but feel for you
It had to go this way what do you say, bae
Every decision in our life makes us who we are. If we could go back and change the way we responded to something that would change who we are. I’m contemplating here whether that would be such a bad thing. Maybe being different would be okay. But we can’t go back in time and change things. We must embrace our past to shape our future.
I couldn't think of what to say
I just thought of you how I lost
You left, you're gone for good this time
Heck to what I said
I'll be fine without you around
I need me myself and I
Since we can’t go back to that person who left, they’re gone. We must learn to accept that and move forward. It’s not easy but I promise it is worth it!
I lied I lied trying to comfort myself from these lies
I thought I could move on
But I keep turning back
I wrote a letter just to toss away
I want to say hey but I'm scared you'll go away
Will you ever come back
I tried many times to move on but was lying to myself when I said I had. I kept coming back. I continue to come back. I still struggle with this and am preaching to myself with what I am saying.
I want you to be here with me
I wish you were here today and tomorrow
Yesterday is past but the future is near
Yet it never comes even though it's always rushing forward
I can't move on
What fun are you trying to have
Playing with my feelings
You hurt me more than you know
Saying we'd always be friends
Then not texting back
Why didn't you text me back huh?
I need you
I wrote this letter to you
This wraps up the song Letters. I hope it can help you and inspire you to move on. I’m not saying it will be easy or happen in a day. But your life is precious and you deserve to not live in the past. You miss so many blessings when you are looking to the past or the future. Live in the now. Live today. Tomorrow is never promised so live life fully today.
If you havent heard this song yet and have read this far please help me continue to make more music and give it a listen and share this with a friend.